By Dr. Nicole LePera

People pleasing is a conditioned behavior that we learn as children. It’s common in homes without boundaries, where being liked and accepted is more important than our own needs.

When we’re people pleasing we’re within an evolutionary nervous system response called: fawn.

Fawn is when we appease others in order to avoid threats or danger. Some of us have learned to fawn because if we didn’t we would experience abuse or shaming.

People-pleasing: 7 Signs and How to Break Free:

1. You believe that if you upset someone, you’re a bad person or have done something wrong.

2. You tolerate behavior that is hurtful and tell yourself people don’t mean it.

3. In social situations, you struggle to be present and are more focused on making sure everyone likes you or is comfortable.

4. You regularly apologize even if you didn’t cause the issue (ex: someone bumps into you at a store and you say “oh I’m sorry” or someone yells at you and you apologize for making them mad)

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5. You struggle to say no and often give long explanations to relieve your own guilt.

6. The thought of saying “No, I’m not comfortable with that” makes you cringe and brings up fear.

7. You often feel resentment or like your relationships don’t have equal energy exchanges (you’re giving more than you receive.)

How To Break Free From People Pleasing:

1. Setting clear boundaries: boundaries are your own limits that teach people what we will and will not accept.

2. Get comfortable disappointing people: disappointment is part of life, and we may disappoint people. That’s ok, and doesn’t mean we are wrong or bad.

3. Notice your patterns of over-explaining or over-apologizing: this is an anxious habit response that we use to try to soothe our sense of guilt. Ironically, it actually brings up anxious in other people. Short answers will help you feel more confident.

4. Unlearn self sacrifice as a badge of honor: culture glorifies self sacrifice and idealizes the idea that putting others first makes us a good person. In reality, if we don’t meet our own needs we can’t be there for other people in the ways we want to.

5. Be kind to yourself: people pleasers tend to be quite hard on themselves. Creating a healthy relationship with yourself means speaking yourself in kind ways, honoring that you have good intentions, and knowing its ok to *please yourself,* too.